Lawak 23 : Binatang apa paling seksi di dunia?

Satu hari anak aku yg darjah 1 balik daripad sekolah dan bertanya :-

Anak : Kalau ayah tahu, apa binatang paling seksi?
Ayah : Semua binatang seksi sebab tak pakai baju.
Anak : SALAH!
Ayah : Abis tu?
Anak : ZIBRA, sebab dia pakai bra.... hahahaha

Lawak 22 : Incidents in Institute of Mental Health Hospital (IMH)

Record I

Patient A: "So how... this book not bad yah?"
Patient B: "Yah agree, excellent! Astounding work. No nonsense, sharp and concise to the point. But there's a major flaw in this piece of art – too many character names to remember!!!"
Nurse: "Hey! Can the two of you put the telephone book back to the original place?"

Record II

A doctor asked a patient: "If I were to cut one of your ears off, what will happen to you?"
Patient: "Then I will not be able to hear..."
Doctor: "Hmm…that's normal...so if I were to cut your other ear off, what will happen then?"
Patient: "I will not be able to see..."
The doctor became nervous and asked: "Why would you not see then???"
Patient: "Because my spectacles will fall off..."

Record III

IMH has an old lady who wears black, carries a black umbrella and squats at the entrance to the IMH everyday without fail, rain or shine.
The doctor wanted to administer treatment for her but decided to understand her behavior first.
So, the doctor also wears black and carries a black umbrella; squatted besides her everyday.
The days go by...the two of them squatted side-by-side w/o a single exchange of word.
After one solid month, the old lady finally broke the silence and asked the doctor:
"Err...Excuse me! Are you also a mushroom?"

Record IV

A nurse saw a patient writing a letter. She got curious and went to take a peek.
But the patient didn't wanna let her see.
Nurse (unable to contain her curiosity): "Who are you writing to?"
Patient: "I'm writing a letter to myself..."
Her curiosity grew and she thought to herself (Why would someone write a letter to himself?)
So she asked again: "So...what's written inside?"
Patient (got impatient): "You crazy ah? I haven't received the letter, how would I know??"

Record V

Two patients escape from the IMH. They climbed up a tree and one of them fell from the tree and started rolling on the ground.
After a while, the patient below shouted to the one on top:
"Hey! How come you are not coming down yet?"
The patient on top replied:
"No. no...I can't...I'm not ripe yet"

Record VI

One patient visited the doctor: "Doc...How? I think I'm a chicken since the day I was born..."
Doctor: "Wah! That’s very serious...Why do you only come and seek treatment now?"
Patient: "Because my family needs me to hatch the eggs..."

Record VII

One truck driver was doing his usual delivery to IMH.
He discovered a flat tyre when he was about to go home. He jacked up the truck and took the flat tyre down. When he was about to fix the spare tyre, he accidentally dropped all the bolts into the drain. As he can't fish the bolts out, he started to panic.

One patient happened to walk past and asked the driver what happened.
The driver thought to himself, since there's nothing much he can do; he told the patient the whole incident.
The patient laughed at him & said "can't even fix such a simple problem...no wonder you are destined to be a truck driver..."

"Here’s what you can do, take one bolt each from the other 3 tyres and fix it onto this tyre. Then drive to the nearest workshop and replace the missing ones, easy as that"

The driver was very impressed and asked "You're so smart but why are you here at the IMH?"
Patient replied: "Hello, I stay here because I'm crazy not STUPID!"

Lawak 21 : adult sket

1. Losing all your friends
Man comes home, finds his wife with his friend in bed.
He shoots his friend.
Wife says "If you behave like this, you will lose ALL your friends."

2. Brother wanted
Small boy wrote to Santa Claus,"send me a brother"....
Santa wrote back, "SEND ME YOUR MOTHER"....

3. Meaning of WIFE
Husband asks, "Do you know the meaning of WIFE? It means 'Without
Information Fighting Everytime'!"
Wife replies, "No, it means 'With Idiot For Ever'!!!"

4. Importance of a period
Teacher: "Do you know the importance of a peri od?"!
Kid: "Yeah, once my sister said she has missed one, my mom fainted, dad
got
a heart attack & our driver ran away."

5. Confident vs. confidential
A young boy asks his Dad, "What is the difference between confident and
confidential?"
Dad says, "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over
there, is also my son, that's confidential!"

6. Anger management?
Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you
control
your anger?"
Wife: "I clean the toilet."
Husband: "How does that help?"
Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

Lawak 20 : Honorable MEN

Must Read for Every Man and of course Woman (to understand man)

If a female is reading this article then just realize the value of a man; and if its a male then feel proud of after reading it!

"One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"


The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down into the water and reappeared with a golden axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron Axe. "Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "Yes."
The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with ANGELINA JOLIE ."Is this your wife?" the Lord asked..

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord. It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to  vidya balan , You would have come up with CAMERON DIAZ . Then if I said 'no' to her, you would have come up with my wife . Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care
of all three wives, so THAT'S why I said yes to ANGELINA JOLIE ."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honorable reason, and for the benefit of others.

That's our story, and we're sticking to it! - " WE ARE HONORABLE MEN!!!!!!"    

 

Lawak 19 : Old Lady in Court (18sx)

Defense Attorney:
Will you please state your age?

Little Old Lady:
I am 94 years old.

Defense Attorney:
Will you tell us, in your own words, what happened the night of April 1st?

Little Old Lady:
There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening,   when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.

Defense Attorney:
Did you know him?

Little Old Lady:
No, but he sure was friendly.

Defense Attorney:
What happened after he sat down?

Little Old Lady:
He started to rub my thigh.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him?

Little Old Lady:
No, I didn't stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Albert died some 30 years ago.

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
He began to rub my breasts.

Defense Attorney:
Did you stop him then?

Little Old Lady:
No, I did not stop him.

Defense Attorney:
Why not?

Little Old Lady:
His rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven't felt that good in years!

Defense Attorney:
What happened next?

Little Old Lady:
Well, by then, I was feeling so 'spicy' that I just laid down and told him
'Take me, young man. Take me now!'

Defense Attorney:
Did he take you?

Little Old Lady:
Hell, no! He just yelled, ' April Fool!' And that's when I shot him, the little bastard  

Lawak 17 : Laughter Of The Day (Singlish/Minglish)

You might like it. This is hilarious... ..even an British, European or American cannot construct sentences using numbers, which is exclusive only to Malaysians and
Singaporeans. 


Ah Kaw  was asked to make a sentence using 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10. Not only did he do it 1 to 10, he did it again from 10 back to 0. This is what he came up with.....

1 day I go 2 climb a 3 outside a house to pluck fruit. But the couple saw me, so I panic
and 4 down. The man rushed out and wanted to 5 with me. I ran until I fell 6. So I go into 7-eleven to buy drink but the cashier very rude so I grabbed some 8 and throw at him. He scold my mother so I took
a 9 and try to stab at him. 10 God he run away or else sure die.

10 I put the 9 back and pay for the 8 and left 7-eleven. Next day I called my
boss and told him I was 6. He said 5, tomorrow also no need to come back 4 work.
He also asked me to go climb a 3 and jump down. I don't understand. I so nice
2 him but I don't know what he 1. His character very bad, I give him jiro (0)

Lawak 16 : Sejarah Melaka

1908
alfonso de alburcaque menyampaikan hasratnya kepada raja portugis
untuk meluaskan pengaruhnya ke asia tenggara ( melaka pusat perdagangan
asia tenggara ketika itu) dan juga laluan penting perdagangan timur
barat raja portugis bersetuju untuk menyediakan kemudahan bala tentera
(158 buah kapal, 15300 (anggaran) bala tentera.

1909
> Portugis menhantar perisik ke melaka untuk mengetahui keadaan kekuatan pertahanan disana

Oct 1910
> alfonso berjaya menawan melaka setelah berhempas pulas melawan
5 pahlawan melayu terhandal (hang tuah, hang lekir, hang lekiu,hang
jebat dan hang kasturi) ini adalah mimpi ngeri bagi pihak alfonso, untuk
menawan melaka serta berlawan dengan 5 Hang bersaudara, mereka perlu
mendapat askar tambahan setelah 15k askarnya terkorban dalam pertempuran
selama 6 hari itu dengan 5 Hang bersudara..akhirnya dapat juga menawan
melaka setelah hampir kecewa dan putus asa...

1912
> setahun 12 bulan kemudian alfonso ingin meluaskan kekuasaannya ke
kedah dan p.pinang, yang ketika itu adalah pusat pengeluaran tebu untuk
gula rantau ini,...

feb 1912
> alfonso menghantar perisik ke kedah dan pulau pinang untuk
mengetahui kekuatan bala tentera di sana ( Kedah dan p.pinag) mengikut
sejarah, perisiknya telah ke kedai kopi sekitar kedah dan pulau pinang
untuk mendapat segala maklumat yang diperlukan.. .

Semiggu selepas FEB 1912> Perisik balik ke melaka untuk memberitakan
hasil risikan kepada Alfonso

Dibawah adalah perbualan percakapan antara perisik dengan al fonso yang
selama ini cuba disembunyikan dalam buku sejarah


Perisik 1.2.3> selamat pagi tuan ( sambil bertabik)
al fonso > selamat pagi

Perisik 1 > Begini lah tuan, lupakan saja niat tuan untuk menawan kedah
dan pulau pinang

al fonso > Kenapa kuat sangat kah mereka itu..? ( dengan nada marah dan bongkak)

Perisik 2 > Untuk menawan melaka yang mempunyai 5 pahlawan terhandal
Hang tuah, hang jebat, hang kasturi, hang likir dan hang lekiu pun kita
kehilangan hampir 15k bala tentera, inikan pula kita nak menawan kedah
dan perlis yang mempunyai beribu ribu hang..

Perisik 3 > Betoi tu tuan...antaranya hang sihat, hang buat apa,
Hang apa habaq, hang lagu mana, hang pi mana, hang bila nak mai, hang nak p
mana, hang singgah dulu, bapak hang, mak hang, adik hang, tok hang,
kepala hotak hang macam macam lagi hang ada kat sana.....

Mendengar hasil risikan itu alfonso pun tak jadi nak pi serang kedah
dan pulau pinang disebabkan pengalamannya sebelum ini bersama 5 pahlawan
melayu melaka amat ngeri......ini kan pula nak berhadapan beribu ribu
hang kat kedah dan pulau pinang.